I guarantee when he’s home for Spring Break next week, the walls will come down and I’ll feel confident - but right now, and when he goes back to school, I’ll feel scared again. Distance frightens me now. Say what you want about how if you really want it to work, you’ll overlook the distance. I hate when people say that people who can’t handle the distance are weak. Because I am not weak. I had my heart crushed in ways you can’t begin to imagine, because every story is different and unique, by two men that I loved and thought loved me, but our relationships were destroyed by the distance, and they gave up on me. I’m scared of the distance, even if this time it’s only two hours and not 1k-2k miles. It is still scary as fuck when the two men that have meant the most to me in my life disappeared into the distance that separated us. But I’m trying. I told him I can’t make promises, and like a fucking saint he understands and still wants to try. I can’t wait to see him, to have a week where it’s just easy. Because I’m so tired of complicated and difficult.
My first kiss was in the snow. I was twelve years old, and Benjy and I were dating for the first time. He was my first boyfriend. I missed the bus home and so he offered to walk me to my grandparent’s house a few blocks away from the school. The fastest way was to cut through the lightly wooded area behind the rec center. The snow covered the ground and the trees, it was beautiful. We walked along the path together, holding hands. Just as we were about to come out of the woods and onto the baseball field separating us from my grandparent’s backyard, he stopped me and asked, “What would you do if I kissed you right now?” I didn’t say anything, I just blushed and laughed nervously. He smiled at me, squeezed my hand and turned me to face him, and he kissed me. Afterward we both laughed a little and hugged. It was magical and sweet and perfect, and I’ll never forget it. Every night I pray for the chance to kiss him just one more time.